I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize