i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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