yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she peed on how many people?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
