Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
