I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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