he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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