Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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