you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
