I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
