I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
