and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
