just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
