Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
