you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize