I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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