there's paper in my vomit.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
