Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
