dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
