The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
FUCK WHALES
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