I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
