I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize