Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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