you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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