i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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