I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
pray to the hookup gods
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
