So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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