I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
