Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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