The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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