if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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