you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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