Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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