I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
