I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
