And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
