so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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