they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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