1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
