you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize