Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
