chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
