In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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