One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
