Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
