you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
