he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
