so that wasnt chicken after all
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
