no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
