nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
