I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
