I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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