got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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