gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im six kinds of drunk right now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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