Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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