Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
