i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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