hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
