remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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