How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
