just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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