I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize