Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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