Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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