You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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