you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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