I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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