I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
