theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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